Milestones...

We've been spending a lot of time on the floor lately. 

As Elisa approaches her two-month "birthday" on Saturday, she is becoming more alert, engaging, and aware of her world. She loves to play on her blankets, tracking with her eyes as I hold toys above her head, kicking her legs as we listen to songs, and "chatting" with me in coos and big smiles. 

My heart melts each time she tries something new for the first time. My definitely-over-informed-mama mind silently checks off milestones, glad of what I can report at her next well-baby check up. 

All this talk of milestones has really got me heart-wondering lately. Why is it that so many mama minds are filled with what their babies can, can't, and need to do if they want concrete evidence that their parenting is lined up with best child development practices? Yes, I know a lot of it is wanting to know our babies are healthy and on-track, but I think there's something more.Why do I do what I do with, hope what I hope for Elisa?  

I've read the books, and I'm their type of customer. The books say, "bicycle her legs to the music to develop a sense of rhythm." I bicycle her legs. The books say, "vary her perspective of the room, her toys to develop her visual skills and to create pathways in her brain." I wander around the house, narrating new views.

The other day as I worked on her balance and coordination to "The Wheels on the Bus," I was struck with a thought. Why do I want her to have a great sense of rhythm? Why do I want her to have a stellar mind? Why do I dress her beautifully and share pictures with family and friends?

If I'm honest with myself, I do much of what I do because I want my baby girl to be the best (dare I say, to be advanced?) I want to swell with pride as she walks gracefully across the stage to get her magna cum laude diploma asI listen to people comment on what a pretty girl she is. I am capable of being deceived. I am capable of wanting her, wanting me to get the glory, and God has been whispering to me that there is a better way. 

Jesus says there's nothing greater than loving God and loving your neighbor. Period. When I let that truth soak in, the love passage in 1 Corinthians slips into my spirit like water over remembering rocks:

If my daughter has a vocabulary worthy of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, but she does not have love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If she has the the gift of poetry or athletic prowess or artistic talent, but she does not love, she is nothing.

If she volunteers with the needy, takes mission trips to Haiti that I may boast, but does not have love, she will gain nothing.

Helping my baby girl meet milestones only matters to the degree that the reason why I am doing it is to help her love God and love others. 

I want her to have a sense of rhythm, so she can sing and dance before God unselfconsciously.

I want her to smile and laugh and engage others, so she can share the love and joy of Jesus freely.

I want her mind to be full of healthy connections, so that she can grapple with tough questions, come up with tough solutions that will help grow God's kingdom here on earth.

I want to dress her in pretty clothes and watch her grow, so that she can walk as a testimony to a creative God who redeems, restores, and treasures beauty.

Any other motivations will lead me to getting glory for me or for her. Like Jesus said to the Pharisees who wanted others to ooh and ahh over their piety, God will surely give us our reward and it. will. not. last. or. give life. or. matter. 

I will continue bicycling sweet Elisa's legs. I will keep holding up new toys, introducing new sounds, sharing favorite stories, and passing her around to new faces. However, my prayer is that I will hold His glory in my mind always. 

As Elisa gets bigger each day and week, I can think of no better milestone for my precious girl than the one that was shared about Jesus in Luke 2:52:

And Jesus matured, growing up in both body and spirit, blessed by both God and people. (MSG)

Amen. Yes, please.

Manna...a six week update

I'm writing early this morning while Patrick and Elisa sleep on the couch across from me. I'm writing because I need to remember. I need to grab stones that are still wet from Jordan's waters, stack them up, and stare at them long as proof that God really leads. I thought the Promised Land would have less battles.

The first two weeks at home with Elisa were a blur. Often when we shared about nursing difficulties or sleepless nights or feeling anxious or uncertain, people mentioned six weeks. It will get easier at six weeks. Breastfeeding takes about six weeks to get sorted out. At six weeks, you'll start to feel more human. You'll crawl out of the cave at six weeks. Six weeks became a mythical date for me, and I hung on for dear life. I mean, many mothers go back to work after six weeks. We should have our feet under us a bit.

This morning marks six weeks, and I can say our world still feels upside down. These have been difficult weeks. Elisa is the sweetest baby, but struggles. struggles. with nursing. To make a long story short, our feeding times are long, painful, inefficient, and frustrating. We've both had medicine. We've both seen doctors. We've seen consultants, gone to classes, read books. We even made a trip to Baltimore to have a posterior tongue-tie and upper-lip tie removed with a laser by a pediatric dentist (we were referred there and hoped it would make a big difference). There hasn't been much improvement, and my recovery has been slow. We're in process and asking God to change our reality, to give us hope and rest.

However, my purpose in writing this post is not to complain, fish for encouragement, or to wallow in despair. This post is to give testimony to the manna we've received.

One of my friends preparing to serve overseas recently asked her Bible study group to pray that God would prepare her for the journey ahead. That she would be ready. To her surprise, they prayed instead that God would give her grace for each moment as it comes, manna for each day.

In the desert, God gave the Israelites enough food for each day. If they tried to store it up, it rotted and started to stink. He wanted them to daily receive from his goodness, daily trust there would be enough.

There has been enough. Each day when I need to pump, I've opened my Bible and clung to whatever I've found there. It has been amazing how many times I've opened to the same passage or found just what I've needed to repeat over and over through the next hours.

In the fog of our first weary weeks... I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. (Jeremiah 31:25)

When we despaired of ever knowing how to comfort Elisa or nurse together... there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries.(Daniel 2:28)

When I felt completely insufficient for the task of motherhood...Everything you need is to be found in me. (Hosea 14:8, MSG)

On days and nights of exhaustion...He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.(Isaiah 40:28)

When frustrated by pumping, supplements, constant demands...Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!' (Matthew 25:21)

And this is not to mention the physical ways God has provided. Friends have brought meals. Resources have answered questions by phone and in person. Arms have rocked so we could sleep or eat or do laundry. Patrick has prayed for God to send people to be with me when he's at work, and they've texted or called and come. 

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24)

We are not pulled together at six weeks. We are still begging God to move on our behalf. But, we are confident that if God called us to be parents, he will give us the grace to meet each day. 

We have so much to be thankful for. Our baby girl is healthy, gaining (a miracle considering our days/nights), and beautiful. She is starting to smile and loves to be cuddled. Her demeanor is sweet and she has an intensity when it comes to relating to people (we can't believe how long she'll hold eye contact and study faces). 

So much has changed, so we are hopeful we'll grow more and more...

And through it all, God has still given us laughter. This picture didn't make the weekly picture cut, but it makes me smile every time. Patrick says she looks like she's escaped from somewhere. I told him to imagine that face coming toward you hungry at three o'clock in the morning :).

Here's to the next six weeks. In faith, the best is yet to come.